Thursday, April 28, 2005

Complete Idiot's Guide to Complete Idiots

even fools can be unfooled Posted by Hello

Here's how a total idiot can detect another, perhaps more comprehensively idiotic, idiot.

This information will come in handy.

Please understand: Complete Idiot's Guide to Complete Idiots: How the Dumb and Dumber Can Spot and Avoid Other Dumbed Down Dummies is the title of a book I'm writing...and this is just an introductory sample of it.

The world is crawling with, or as my lovely wife would say, is "lousy with" morons, incompetents, mis-guideds, mentally unwholesomes, moral maladepts, nincompoopish nitwits, delirious dumbos, salient sillies, ghost-blogging goofs, aggravating dufeses, embargoed non-intellects, ill-mannered ignoramuses, and--plain, vanilla, standard issue, run-of-the-mill, garden-variety FOOLS.

God even had to have an entire book written to try to de-dumbify us humans: the Book of Proverbs, plus an existential deconstructionist philosophy book called Ecclesiastes.

I ain't no Omniscient Being, but as a world-class schmuck, a loser and bumbling misfit in many areas of life both past, present, and I'm sure future...

...allow me, a sometimes very stupid chap, to provide you with just a few of the Core Values or Essential Attributes of a Complete Idiot.

[I equate mediocrity, hypocrisy, deception, and malice with ignorace, as did Socrates and Buddha. Jesus was less kind, as He called dumb-assedness "darkness" in opposition to light, thus "evil" or "sin".]

Three (3) [between 2 and 4]
of the Core Values &
Essential Attributes
of a Complete Idiot

(1.) When confronted with errors, mis-quotes, inaccuracies, and other forms of wrong-headedness, the Complete Idiot will:

A. deny he said that, play dumb
B. blame his sources
C. whine and weep like a wounded victim
D. accuse the critic of persecuting him
E. mis-quote something again, hoping to pile obfuscation onto confusion
F. remain silent or suddenly change the subject
G. accuse the critic of launching a "personal" attack
H. pretend to be diplomatic and engage in big time butt kissing to try to calm and subdue the ferocious beast he imagines the critic to be

(2.) When caught doing something not quite ethical, something morally reprehensible, or unprofessionally negligent, the Complete Idiot will:

A. deny it, and hope like hell you have no proof or witnesses
B. play dumb (like Ken Lay, etc.)
C. pretend to not understand the accusation
D. protest his innocence, claim to be "misunderstood"
E. play the race card, age card (e.g., discrimination against older employees), gender card, helpless addict card, whatever card can be invented on the spot
F. accuse the accuser of having "hidden agendas"
G. proclaim "good intentions" and "going by the best information I had at the time"
H. launch an investigation and proclaim "no wrong doing" (like Abu Grahib prioner abuse scandal)
I. claim that while his act was wrong, not acting in some way would be "wronger" (like the discredited and never credible "Weapons of Mass Destruction" rationale for Iraq invasion)
J. shred, limit access to, modify, or seal the records, thus disallowing any full investigation
K. allow an investigation, but protect the real culprits at the top, and prosecute the vulnerable underlings
L. claim the accuser is too imperfect and defective to judge anybody else
M. ignore the accusations and hope the fickle public will forget about it
N. re-define or question the "exact meaning" of the words of the accusation, even "is" and "sex" and "wrong"
O. proclaim his innocence loudly and weepingly, to the bitter end, no matter how much evidence and how many credible witnesses saw it.

(3.) When in the presence of someone a bit brighter and more beneficial, the Complete Idiot will:

A. claim the smarter person, when mentioning colleagues and allies, is merely being a pretentious "name-dropper" and vain braggart
B. criticize the methods and practices of the smarter person
C. complain that the smarter person is a threat of some sort, is domineering or "full of himself"
D. complain that the smarter person is just "cutting and pasting" or borrowing the wisdom of others and claiming this wisdom is his own
E. whine about how he's accomplished many things that are not appreciated
F. view with suspicion everything the smarter person says or does, looking for slip-ups and over-zealous behavior
G. question the intentions of the smarter person, adopt a pseudo-paranoia
H. deliberately mis-quote, or put words in the mouth of, the smarter person
I. launch attacks on the smarter person, then scream "injustice", "mean-spiritedness", and "personal attack" when the smarter person attempts to clarify, defend, or launch counter-offensive
J. start kissing every butt he can find, in hopes of winning favor and thus diminishing the impact of the smarter person's acts or words

Keep just these facts and insights in mind, and you'll easily spot a Complete Idiot before they can do much damage to you, your family, your company, or your life.

Smarten Up while you still can!

Take it from a fellow dumbo: there is hope for the brain dead.

I know by experience...

...but that's a long boring story of back surgery, botched epidural steroid injections, medical malpractice, sadistic emergency room personnel, prescribed narcotics overdoses, panic attacks, pharamceutical poisons, MRIs, and etc.

[signed] Steven Streight aka Vaspers the Grate aka Whispers the Grape aka Leopold the Told...the Leper Guru, etc.

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